Canons Jasmine

Well,

I have purchased a horse. A 13 year old grey straight egyptian arabian named Canons Jasmine.

She is beautiful and full of spunk and sarcasm ...just like me.

This is the fulfillment of a 10 year dream.

Yeah for me.

Damn, just damn.

I haven't posted much because my personal computer can't access the site anymore and I have to do this from work. But today I really need some therapy.

What really kills me about "Christians" (or at least a certain type) is that they will preach hell fire and brimstone at you non-stop, but turn around and do something cruel without a second thought. (As long as they "technically" don't cross the "big 10".)

Just because they never "technically" lied (they just omitted) its all okay that they rip out your heart and shit on it.

Wrong is still wrong. There is a greater concept of right and wrong that they seem to miss alot of the time. It is not okay to let someone go all along under a mistaken idea that they can have something and let them get attached and more attached and even more attached and to say "well i think I may have found a good owner for __________ after all.", but all the while you know you've already sold that damn horse. He was milking me for my riding fee all the while knowing the only reason I was going up there was to see that particular horse. Not to here his preaching, or put up with that brat of a kid and her foul pony. But I put up with it, I covered my tattoos to be nice since he asked me, I even bit my tongue more times than I can count when launched into his routine. And what did it get me? Crying, that's what. Heartache, and pain.

Maybe I do get too attached too quickly, but damn it he f'ing knew that. It is a part of who I am and I will not apologize for it. But I damn well will not ride another horse without a price tag first. A number and a sure thing.

Friends

I just got an imprompto text from a friend of mine I haven't spoken to in a while. She just wanted to let me know she was thinking of me. It made me smile on a particularly stressful day.

I also got a call late last night from another friend trying to find out when I was going on vacation so that she could plan her trip so as not to miss me while she was in town.

I feel very lucky to have some very good friends. Nothing can be that bad if there are people out there that care about you.

Did it work?

Okay, lets try this again.

The last three blogs I've written somehow never made it to the blog and were deleted.

Damn, computer Gnomes.

As most already know. I went to see my wonderfully calm friend Jeremy last weekend. It was so nice to be able to cachup adn just hang out for a while.

I hadn't realized how much I'd missed his sense of humor. He like me has a tendency to get kind of silly (even without alcohol). It was also nice to see two people in a health adult relationship that didn't involve fighting all the time. They pick at each other yes, but their really just playing.
All in all I think Jeremy and Brian have one of the healthiest relationships of all the people I know. It makes me happy for Jeremy because he really deserves to be happy and loved.

Seeing them helped my resolve to stop the pointless nitpicking with Clif.
I've been on a roll lately. The poor guy can't win for losing with me sometimes.

Anyway, we had fun. it was nice to get away for a little while. We went to a show, walked around Centeral Park, and went to Coney Island...not what I expected. It was like a carnival without the nasty clowns.

Anyway, this is the test blog. More later if this works.

Not much going on here

Okay. I have finally gotten this to work again.

My computer is slowly dying and I haven't been able to get onto my blog in several weeks now, and I'm not comfortable blogging from work. Who knows what might come out of me and who might be snooping on the server.

Work is okay..there's too much and we're all working serious hours again, but it's tolerable.

I've just kind of withdrawn from society for a little while. I haven't felt up to playing nicely with everyone so I've stayed home for the last few weeks. I think the neighbors are beginning to think I'm standoffish (which I am, but its not personal...I just get overwhelmed by obligations). I begin to feel trapped.

But next month I get to go see my wonderful friends Jeremy and Brian in a real city. Coincidently Jeremy has no idea that he has a following down here. My mother and my friend John both think Jeremy is very handsome. John has even taken to reading Jeremy's blog. I think this is sweet.

Clif has bought a house to refinish and rent or sale. I think this is the beginning of his "business". He wants to begin renovating houses and rent/selling them (essentially working for hisself). I think this is a good move for him, but its a little stressful for me as I now feel trapped here. Too many connections and roots. I'd have to break out the chainsaw to get out.

3?, no I'm 32 and it doesn't really bother me who knows

Another birthday come and gone.

I really am starting to believe that time is speeding up and we are all trapped in some sci-fi movie where time is unexplainable speeding out of control.

Anyway, I had a very nice birthday. Clif made his crab souffle, which I LOVE by the way. It is my favorite dish of his and one of my favorite in general. However, we have to use the artificial crab meat now that my shellfish allergy has decided I am allergic to crab also. This sucks because I love crab cakes.

I still get a little funky even with the artificial because it had around 2% crab meat in it, but it's worth it. My parents came by and then some friends dropped by. One of my friends brought me a bamboo plant...I've seen these before and been sorely tempted to buy one. I was very excited to get one. They fascinate me. Don't know why and clearly it doesn't take much to fascinate me.

Also had a bit of an issue/fight over Clif's family and his need to tell me everything they say about me/us, but that will be another blog. One for adults only because I'm going to cuss.

Anyway, then I heard from my friend in Australia and we talked for around 2 hours. I really do miss her and wish she'd talk her boyfriend into trying it out over here for a while. She and I seems to have very little in common other than a need for pain...Me tattoos and weights and her on her bicycle.

That reminds me , she found it disturbing that I require tattoo pain in my life. Aside from the adrenaline rush that goes along with it (which is why I think people become addicted), there is a comfort to the pain. For some reason with me, it stops that nagging little doubtful voice in my head and reminds me that there are other things in life. That what I am doing now is not truly important in other ways. There is life itself...pain, joy, beauty, no one will die over what I am doing right now. My work is not life saving or world changingly important really. So take a breath and smile. The world has other things to offer.

For some reason, it does take a lot of pain to remind me of that every year around this time.

Ode to tea

What I would give for a nice cup of Earl Grey with Lavender from Peets Coffee and Tea.

I love tea. It is probably one of my most favorite things on this planet. A good cup of hot tea that soothes your nerves, relaxes your thoughts and allows you to actually think again. For me, tea is very akin to meditation, or at least it was when I drank my morning tea alone. Now frequently there is nearby crunching. (I can't stand crunching, when I am not also crunching, but that's another blog.) Anyway.

But, alas...no Peets here. The closest store is in Boston, not a short drive. The Fresh Market has begun to carry Peets coffee, but tea culture is not so big down here, unless of course its iced.

I miss tea. Good tea. San Francisco has good tea. Oh, I loved London if for no other reason than the abundance of insanely good tea. Even New Orleans had a decent tea selection. Here I have resorted to the same tea everyday, day in and day out. It's not a bad, but it is not the best and there is a distinct lack of variety. Yes, I could order online (I have before), but I just never seem to have the time anymore.

There is a chamomile and lavender tea at Barnes and noble and at a local coffee shop here, but its really just too relaxing. Great in the evenings, not so much in the morning or mid-day. I lapse into a chamomile and lavender induced comma for the afternoon.

Hence, I do not keep the stuff at home. I'd take a lot more naps then.

I have never been a coffee drinker. Some of it smells nice, but to me it tastes nasty. Clif used to tell me I just hadn't had good coffee. However, after 8 years of marriage and 9 years together, he has still not found a coffee I like. He has given it a valiant effort, but no luck.

No, for me it is a cup of hot tea and no other beverage will do at 7 in the morning.

Before you speak...supplemental blog

FYI... for those about to get on the "Are you vegetarian?" wagon.

No. I am not. I do believe in the food chain, but, no, we are not at the top. Lock yourself in the cage with that caged hunt animal and you'll see what I mean.

However, I do only eat "domesticated" species. I do not eat wild game.

And last time I checked tiger, lion and wolf were not big menu items. Bear..sortof, but not really.

And if you eat what you kill fine, but if you don't you have wasted a life. These are living creatures with a soul. they deserve so much more respect than we give them.

WHY? Why are we so determined to ruin our world and the lives of all the other species on this planet?

I just watched a horrible movie about two tiger cubs separated by some asshole hunter who was brave enough to shoot the mother, but not the cubs. One was given to a family and the hunter eventually gave the other to a zoo.

Years later, they ended up in a fighting ring together and wouldn't fight each other. Eventual escape ensues, along with a new tiger hunt. End result the small son of the family convinces the hunter after a loving, close encounter with the tigers they respectively raised that they are not killers and they are left in the jungle to live out their lives. (The tigers not the child and hunter.)

Happy ending aside. What the Fuck?????????????????? I must vent now before I explode.


We take animals out of their natural habitat, as babies or not, and then we are surprised when they turn out to be wild animals. Oh, then they must die. We can't have wild animals in our oh so civilized society. WELL, FUCK THAT. WE TOOK THEM OUT OF THE WILD , WE HAVE EOT DEAL WITH IT NOW AND NOT BY F*&^%$# KILLING THEM. (Anybody watched the new lately? We are not that civilized...we kill for sport and call it war. We have children blowing away their entire homeroom class because they are tormented everyday and no one bothers to stop the bullies, the future rapists, the future serial killers.)

We owe it to these wild animals (whose lives we destroyed) to take care of them for the rest of their lives. It is up to us to ensure their safety from us and vise versa. Keep the kids away , keep your arms away..... Too simply say to a tiger who has escaped his suburban two story Victorian house that "Oh we're sorry you got out and killed a neighborhood dog, but that means you have to die now" is irresponsible at best (and in my book cold-blooded murder).

We should not be taking these animals out of the wild. I used to believe zoos and wild animal parks did the best they could and served an important role in preserving disappearing species. More and more I think that is a load of crap. We could save species without putting them on parade, without risking their lives and ours. Possible examples to look into....location camps? Site specific species programs? catch and release fertilization?

I honestly don't know if any of these would work, but AREN'T THEY AT LEAST WORTH A TRY!!!????

Sigh, I fear that they will never be tried, because they do not amuse the masses. The masses like headline news of murdering rampaging beasts (human or not).

How else do you explain caged hunts? For those not familiar, a caged hunt is where some one pays mega-bucks to shoot at an animal (usually a large cat, bear, or other large and very dangerous potential mankiller) which is in a small cage akin to a dog kennel. The person takes no personal risk and the animal has no chance to evade or defend. The worst kind of cowardice and cruelty.

Why? Why does man have to be so fu(*&^% stupid? So cruel? So self-centered? Why are people like this? Someone please give me an answer.

I want to protect them all (animals) from the stupid cruelty of the human race, and I'm failing miserably.

Mice

Just a short note.

I have a mouse (or mice) in my house. The evidence points to several, but not really more than, I guess, 3-4.

I do not generally like this fact, but I do to wish to begin killing. I generally don't want to kill anything. It is a living creature created by the Goddess. Who am I to take its life away? It is here for a purpose just like the rest of us. It could have been a friend of mine in a past life or may be in a future life. I generally do not mind sharing my house. So long as they leave no real visible signs of shared habitation.

However, I realize that not all share my willingness to cohabitate with rodents. My mother is insistent that I just kill the mouse: bait...never mind that if something then eats the mouse I am responsible for two deaths then. The body count begins to add up. Or less body count, but more gruesome...a killing trap where I must witness first hand my evil deeds. And I am aware that some friends may not wish to come over if they risk viewing mouse antics. (Aires has caugh the mouse before and let it go under the piano. I am certain that he and the mouse are responsible for much of the nightly noisy I now hear). And yet I cannot seem to get myself (or Clif) to find a humane trap (the kind that catch the mouse and then you can release it later...More than a mile from your home or they usually come right back).

I have cats so I should not have to deal with these dilemmas.

Sigh.

Can't I just live with eh mouse. Why must I feel compelled to rid my house of its rodent cohabitants for the comfort of friends and family?

A New Year

Another year and what have we learned? Well, lets see


That you never really learn your lesson. If you are happy, stay where you are. I mean realistically happy. No one is birds singing, rainbows over head, Julian Sands is waiting in my bed-kinda happy. We must learn to recognize a "hey, this isn't so bad I can do this for the next 5-10 years happy".

That it doesn't matter how much you work and get paid, it will never be enough. Seriously, I have come to believe that money (or at least making more than what you really need) is a trap. It does not matter if you can get a few extra hundred more...it will disappear just as fast. You begin to take it for granted and then you have more bills and have to keep working at that pace until you drop.

A bit of advice...never start chasing money. It ends in sadness and flustration every time.

I have learned that I was right last year: the voicemail button is the enemy.

I have learned that I have too many bosses and that dreams will not happen on their own. Neither will job changes.

Hera is in fact a goddess sent to punish and bless me everyday.

Australia is beautiful. Being stuck on a plane for 13 hours, sucks! Being stuck on a plane for 4 hours next to a bitchy, slef-centered couple sucks more!

Hannibal Lecter, Lestat, and Jean Claude do not exist...they are characters in a book and no matter how hard I wish to be taken away they are just characters in a book. Books are not real...just a pleasant diversion.

Nor are the fey coming to get me any time soon. Sob, sign, sob.

You will always miss those who helped you through hard times, and that ache will not go away. The tie that binds true friendship is a strong ever-present cord that pulls so strongly on the heart and soul that it creates a sensation so akin to pain that most do not recognize the difference. (Yes, I am speaking of you: Jeremy, Swati, Liz, and Jenn). I miss all of you so much it is tangible.

However, new friends will always be there (if you let them) to help you through the pain of being far from old ones (your turn: Jay, John, Val).

And most of all, liquor is not going to make me any happier. It just delays reality.

So there you go: my yearly what have I learned this year list. Not exhaustive, but humorous and hopefully not total bullsh^&.