The house is under contract. I have been as brave as I know how to be. I have more memories in that house than anywhere else I have lived. More happy memories than those others combined. I became more "me" there than I ever thought possible. I could be who I was (still am) and not who everyone else needs me to be. And people still loved me...right...right...HEY, you out there confirm!
Here, I fight everyday not to be swallowed by that insecure girl/southern "f*^&%#@!" bell/housewife/meek blond everyone wants me to be.
Not one ounce of me wanted to sign that paper, but I did. I almost lost it though when someone asked if I really wanted to do this. I simply can't keep making two house payments, and a certain someone still doesn't want to go back.
I, however, still miss it all. Okay, well not the freezing walk from the parking lot to the office in the mornings, but I do miss Blue Tusk, Kitty Hoynes, and (sigh) my candy colored house. The true autumn and the actual happy people.
But we must forge ahead in life. No looking back right?
As Fiona Apple once sang,
"there are times when my mind does not shake and shiver, but most of the time it does."
It is only a matter of time until I have a breakdown and yell at everyone here. I know who I'm starting with. Anyone care to guess? It's not who you would think.
People should really think about the pressure they place on you. Telling someone your proud of them is wonderful, but don't do it every time you speak to them and combine it with their career (as it is precisely right now). It creates a kind of pressure to not fall back, not change, not rethink. Which is what I am all about--change. I can't stay in one place, or one job, or anything else for my entire life. I get panicky and want to run away from home. Maybe an island? I could live the Jimmy Buffet life style for a while? Be a nature tour guide?
Just a thought.
Later guys.
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2 comments:
I know you what you mean.
I wish our school hadn't ruined the weekends of our last semester with useless, fear-inducing courses. I wish I had spent more time enjoying what was no longer going to be mine in one short semester.
*sigh* Life in the real world isn't at all what I thought it would be.
T - Sorry to hear if you move back we won't be neighbors. Too bad too about no heat. At least it's no heat in TN and not in SYR.
Miss you 2+ (the animals) even tho I'm a slacker and don't write/call.
Drank green beer the other day and thought of you.
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